Kana mwana ari mukombe

Pane zvikonzero zvakawanda nei mumwe wevana ari mudiwa, asi chikuru chinogona kusarudzwa - "chinodiwa" chakafanana naamai. Fungidzira mukadzi anozvidya mwoyo uye akadzingwa ane vana vaviri - mumwe akanyarara uye anoteerera, wechipiri ane simba, anofadza, anogara achiedza kuputsa zvirambidzo. Ndeupi wavo achamuitira nyore kudzidzisa?

Zvinoitikawo kuti vabereki vane maonero akasiyana kune vana pamatanho akasiyana ekukura. Somuenzaniso, zviri nyore kuti amai vanotonga uye vane chiremera varere mwana muduku zvikuru, nokuti mukuru anenge atokwanisa kusabvumirana uye kukakavara. Naizvozvo, gotwe mwana kazhinji anova amai «favorite». Asi kazhinji iyi inongova nzvimbo yechinguvana.

“Mumifananidzo yekutanga, amai vangu vanondibata sechidhori chiri kupenya. Haasi kunditarisa, asi zvakananga mulenzi, nokuti mumufananidzo uyu anoratidza zvinhu zvake zvakakosha zvikuru. Ndakaita sembwanana chaiyo kwaari. Kwese kwese akapfekedzwa netsono - uta hukuru, chipfeko chinoyevedza, shangu chena. Ini ndinorangarira shangu idzi zvakanaka - ndaifanira kuve nechokwadi chekuti pakanga pasina nzvimbo padziri nguva dzese, dzaifanira kunge dziri muchimiro chakakwana. Chokwadi, gare gare ndakatanga kuratidza kuzvimirira uye, zvakatoipisisa, ndakava sababa vangu, uye amai vangu vakanga vasingafariri zvikuru ikoku. Akataura pachena kuti handina kukura sezvaaida uye zvaaitarisira. Uye ndakarasikirwa nenzvimbo yangu muzuva. "

Havasi vese vanaamai vanowira mumusungo uyu.

“Ndichitarira shure, ndinoona kuti amai vangu vakanga vanetsana zvikuru nehanzvadzi yangu huru. Aida kubatsirwa nguva dzose, asi ini ndakanga ndisingadi. Ipapo hapana akaziva kuti aive neobsessive-compulsive disorder, chirwere ichi chakaitwa kwaari atova munhu mukuru, asi ndiyo yaive nyaya yacho. Asi mune zvimwe zvinhu zvose, amai vangu vaiedza kutibata zvakaenzana. Kunyange zvazvo asina kupedza nguva yakawanda neni sezvaaiita nehanzvadzi yake, handina kumbonzwa ndisina kubatwa zvisina kunaka.”

Asi izvi hazviitike mumhuri dzose, kunyanya kana zvasvika kuna amai vane penchant yekudzora kana hunhu hwekunyomba. Mumhuri dzakadaro, mwana anoonekwa sewedzero yaamai pachavo. Nekuda kweizvozvo, hukama hunokura zvinoenderana nemaitiro anonyatso fungirwa. Mumwe wavo ndinodaidza kuti "trophy baby".

Kutanga, ngatitaurei zvakadzama nezvemaitiro akasiyana evabereki kuvana.

Mhedzisiro yekurapa kusina kufanana

Hazvishamisi kuti vana vanonyanya kukoshesa kubatwa zvisina kunaka kupi zvako kunoitwa nevabereki vavo. Chimwe chinhu chakakosha - kukwikwidzana pakati pehama nehanzvadzi, iyo inonzi "yakajairika" chiitiko, inogona kuva nemigumisiro isina kunaka pavana, kunyanya kana kusabatwa kwakaenzana kubva kuvabereki kuchiwedzerwawo kune iyi "cocktail".

Kutsvakurudza kwakaitwa nenyanzvi dzepfungwa Judy Dunn naRobert Plomin kwakaratidza kuti vana vanowanzopesvedzerwa zvikuru nezvimiro zvevabereki vavo kuvanin’ina vavo kupfuura zvavanozviita ivo vamene. Maererano navo, “kana mwana akaona kuti amai vacho vanowedzera kuda uye kutarisira mukoma kana kuti hanzvadzi yake, izvi zvingaita kuti asakoshesa kunyange rudo uye hanya zvaanoratidza kwaari.”

Vanhu vakagadzirwa nenzira yebhayoloji kuti vadavire zvine simba kunjodzi dzinogona kuitika uye kutyisidzira. Tinoyeuka zviitiko zvakashata zviri nani pane zvinofadza uye zvinofadza. Ndicho chikonzero nei zvichigona kuva nyore kuyeuka kuti amai vakapembera nomufaro, vachimbundira mukoma kana hanzvadzi yako—uye kuti tainzwa kunyimwa sei panguva imwe cheteyo, kupfuura nguva dziya dzavaikunyemwerera uye vachiita sokunge vari kufadzwa newe. Nokuda kwechikonzero chimwe chete, kutuka, kutuka uye kuseka kubva kune mumwe wevabereki hazvibhadharwi nemafungiro akanaka echipiri.

Mafungiro asina kuenzana kuvabereki ane zvakawanda zvinokanganisa mwana - kuzviremekedza kunoderera, tsika yekuzvitsoropodza inokura, kugutsikana kunoratidzika kuti munhu haabatsiri uye haadiwi, pane tsika yekuita zvisina kufanira - iyi ndiyo nzira iyo mwana anoedza kukwezva kutarisa kwaari, njodzi yekuora mwoyo inowedzera. Uye, chokwadika, ukama hwomwana nevanin’ina vake hunoparara.

Apo mwana anokura kana kuti achibva pamusha wavabereki, chimiro cheukama chakagadzwa hachigoni kuchinjwa nguva dzose. Zvinokosha kucherechedza kuti mumhuri umo maiva nevadiwa, mukana wekuora mwoyo mukukura unowedzera kwete chete mune vasingadiwi, asiwo muvana vanodiwa.

"Zvakaita sekunge ndakaiswa pakati pe" nyeredzi mbiri "- mukoma wangu-mutambi uye munin'ina-ballerina. Zvakanga zvisina basa kuti ndaiva mudzidzi akatwasuka A uye ndakahwina mibairo mumakwikwi esainzi, zviri pachena kuti yakanga isiri «yakanaka» zvakakwana kuna amai vangu. Aishora chaizvo chitarisiko changu. “Nyemwerera,” aigara achidzokorora, “kunonyanya kukosha kuti vasikana vasingatauri vanyemwerere kakawanda.” Hwaingova hutsinye. Uye unozivei? Cinderella akanga ari chidhori changu,” anodaro mumwe mukadzi.

Ongororo dzinoratidza kuti kubatwa zvisina kuenzana kunoitwa nevabereki kunokanganisa zvakanyanya vana kana vari varume kana vakadzi.

Podium

Vanaamai vanoona mwana wavo sechinhu chokuzviwedzera uye chinoratidza kuti vanokosha vanoda vana vanovabatsira kuti varatidzike seanobudirira—zvikurukuru mumaziso evokunze.

Nyaya yemhando yepamusoro ndiamai vanoedza kuburikidza nemwana wavo kuti vaone zvishuvo zvavo zvisina kuzadzikiswa, kunyanya zvekugadzira. Vatambi vane mukurumbira vakaita saJudy Garland, Brooke Shields nevamwe vazhinji vanogona kutaurwa semuenzaniso wevana vakadai. Asi "trophy vana" hazvina hazvo kubatanidzwa nenyika yeshow bhizinesi; mamiriro ezvinhu akafanana anogona kuwanikwa mumhuri dzakajairika.

Dzimwe nguva amai pachavo havazivi kuti vanobata vana zvakasiyana. Asi "chitsiko chekukudza kune vanokunda" mumhuri chakasikwa pachena uye nekuziva, dzimwe nguva kunyange kushanduka kuita tsika. Vana vari mumhuri dzakadaro - zvisinei nekuti "nemhanza" yekuve "mwana wetsiva" - kubva vachiri vadiki vanonzwisisa kuti amai havafarire hunhu hwavo, chete zvavakawana uye chiedza chavanomufumura ndicho chakakosha her.

Kana rudo netendero mumhuri zvichifanira kuhwinwa, hazvikuchidzi makwikwi pakati pevana chete, asiwo zvinosimudza mwero uyo nhengo dzose dzemhuri dzinotongwa nawo. Pfungwa nezviitiko zve "vakundi" uye "vakakundwa" hazvifadzi chero munhu, asi zvakanyanya kuomera "mwana wetsiva" kuti azive izvi kupfuura kune avo vakazoita "mbudzi yekurwira".

"Zvechokwadi ndanga ndiri muchikamu che" vana vemikombe "kusvikira ndaona kuti ndaigona kuzvisarudzira zvekuita. Amai vaindida kana kuti vainditsamwira, asi kazhinji vaindiyemura nokuda kwekubatsira kwavo - nokuda kwemufananidzo, "kupfeka mahwindo", kuitira kuti vagamuchire rudo uye kutarisirwa izvo ivo pachavo vasina kuwana muhuduku.

Paakamira kuwana hugs uye kutsvoda uye rudo kubva kwandiri izvo zvaaida - ini ndichangokura, uye haana kumbokwanisa kukura - uye pandakatanga kuzvisarudzira kuti ndorarama sei, ndakangoerekana ndave munhu akaipisisa munyika. nokuda kwake.

Ndakanga ndine sarudzo: kuzvimiririra uye kutaura zvandinofunga, kana kumuteerera chinyararire, nezvose zvaaida zvisina kunaka uye maitiro asina kufanira. Ndakasarudza wekutanga, handina kuzeza kumushora pachena uye ndakaramba ndakatendeka kwandiri. Uye ndiri kufara zvakanyanya kupfuura zvandingaite se "mucheche wetsiva."

mhuri dynamics

Fungidzira kuti amai iZuva, uye vana ndiwo mapuraneti anomupoteredza uye anoedza kuwana mugove wavo wekudziya nehanya. Kuti vaite izvi, vanogara vachiita chimwe chinhu chichamuratidza muchiedza chakanaka, uye edza kumufadza mune zvose.

Iwe unoziva zvavanotaura: "kana amai vasina kufara, hapana achafara"? Aya ndiwo mararamiro emhuri yedu. Uye handina kuziva kuti zvakanga zvisiri nyore kutozosvikira ndakura. Ini ndakanga ndisiri chidhori chemhuri, kunyangwe ini ndakanga ndisiri "mbudzi" zvakare. "Mukombe" aive sisi vangu, ini ndini ndaive ndisina hanya, uye mukoma wangu aionekwa seakarasika.

Taipiwa mabasa akadaro uye, kazhinji kacho, uduku hwedu hwose taipindirana nawo. Mukoma wangu akatiza, akapedza kukoreji achishanda, uye iye zvino ndini ndega nhengo yemhuri yaanotaura nayo. Hanzvadzi yangu inogara migwagwa miviri kure naamai vake, ini handitaudzane navo. Ini nemukoma wangu tagara zvakanaka, tichifara nehupenyu. Vose vane mhuri dzakanaka uye vanogara vachikurukurirana.”

Kunyange zvazvo mumhuri dzakawanda nzvimbo ye "trophy child" inenge yakagadzikana, mune dzimwe inogona kuramba ichichinja. Heino nyaya yemukadzi ane simba rakafanana rakaramba riri muhupenyu hwake hwose uye rinoenderera mberi kunyange ikozvino, apo vabereki vake vanenge vasisiri vapenyu:

"Chinzvimbo che" mwana wetsiva" mumhuri medu aigara achichinja zvichienderana nekuti ndiani wedu aita nzira, sekufunga kwaamai, vamwe vana vaviri vanofanirwa kuzvibata. Munhu ari wose akaitirana pfundepfunde, uye makore mazhinji gare gare, muukuru, uku kunetsana kunokura kwakatanga apo amai vedu vakarwara, vaida kutarisirwa, uye ipapo vakafa.

Kunetsana kwakazomuka zvakare baba vedu pavakarwara ndokufa. Uye kusvika zvino, chero nhaurirano yemisangano yemhuri iri kuuya haina kupera pasina kurwisana.

Amai pachavo vaiva mumwe wehanzvadzi ina - vose vari pedyo nezera - uye kubva paudiki vakadzidza kuzvibata "zvakanaka". Munin'ina wangu ndiye aive mwanakomana wake ega, aive asina hama semwana mudiki. Mabhabhu ake uye mazwi ekunyomba aibatwa zvisina kunaka, nekuti "haasi wezvakaipa." Akakomberedzwa nevasikana vaviri, aive "mukomana wetsiva".

Ndinofunga ainzwisisa kuti chinzvimbo chake mumhuri chaipfuura chedu, kunyange aifunga kuti ndini ndaidiwa naamai vangu. Vose mukoma nomunun’una vanonzwisisa kuti zvinzvimbo zvedu pa “chigadziko chorukudzo” zviri kuramba zvichichinja. Nemhaka yeizvi, tagara tichitambudzwa nokusava nechokwadi kana tiri kurarama nenzira yakarurama.

Mumhuri dzakadaro, munhu wose anogara akangwarira uye anogara achiona, sokunge kuti haana "kupfuura" neimwe nzira. Kune vanhu vazhinji, izvi zvakaoma uye zvinonetesa.

Dzimwe nguva masimba ehukama mumhuri yakadaro haangogumiri pakugadzwa kwemwana kuti atore chikamu che "trophy", vabereki vanotangawo kunyara kana kurerutsa kuzviremekedza kwemukoma kana hanzvadzi. Vamwe vose vana vanowanzokumbanira kudheerera, vachiedza kuwana nyasha dzavabereki vavo.

“Mumhuri medu uye muboka rehama pamwe chete, hanzvadzi yangu yaionekwa seyakakwana pachayo, saka kana chimwe chinhu chisina kumira zvakanaka uye pazvaifanira kutsvaga mupari wemhosva, nguva dzose ndaingove ini. Kamwe hanzvadzi yangu yakangosiya gonhi rekuseri rakashama, katsi yedu yakatiza, uye vakandipa mhosva pane zvose. Hanzvadzi yangu pachayo yakabatanidzwa mune izvi, yaigara ichinyepa, ichindichera. Uye kuramba tichizvibata nenzira imwe chete patakakura. Sekuona kwangu, makore makumi mana, amai vangu havana kana kumboti bufu kuhanzvadzi yavo. Uye sei, kana ini ndiripo? Kana kuti, akange ari-kusvikira aparadza hukama hwese nevari vaviri.

Mamwe mazwi mashoma pamusoro pevakundi uye vakakundwa

Ndichiri kudzidza nyaya kubva kuvaverengi, ndakaona kuti vakadzi vangani vakanga vasingadiwi muhuduku uye vakatoita "scapegoats" vakati zvino vanofara kuti vakanga vasiri "mikombe". Handisi chiremba wepfungwa kana kuti chiremba wepfungwa, asi kwemakore anopfuura 15 ndave ndichitaura nguva dzose nevakadzi vakanga vasingadiwi naamai vavo, uye izvi zvaiita sezvinoshamisa kwandiri.

Vakadzi ava havana kumboedza kuderedza zvakaitika kwavari kana kuderedza marwadzo avakasangana nawo seasina kudzingwa mumhuri yavo pachavo - pane zvinopesana, vakasimbisa izvi nenzira dzose - uye vakabvuma kuti kazhinji vaiva nehuduku hunotyisa. Asi - uye izvi zvakakosha - vazhinji vakacherechedza kuti vanun'una nehanzvadzi dzavo, avo vakaita se "mikombe", havana kukwanisa kubva kune hutano husina kunaka hwehukama hwehukama hwemhuri, asi ivo pachavo vakakwanisa kuzviita - nekuda kwekuti vaifanira.

Pakave nenyaya dzakawanda dze "trophy daughters" vakave makopi evanaamai vavo - ivo vakadzi vakafanana narcissistic vanowanzo kudzora kuburikidza nekupatsanura uye kukunda maitiro. Uye paiva nenyaya dzevanakomana vairumbidzwa uye vaidzivirirwa—vaifanira kuva vakakwana— zvokuti kunyange pashure pemakore 45 vakaramba vachigara muimba yevabereki vavo.

Vamwe vakacherekedza kuti uku kushamwaridzana kwakashata kwakagarwa nhaka nechizvarwa chaitevera, uye kwakaramba kuchipesvedzera vazukuru vavanamai ivavo vakanga vajaira kuona vana semikombe.

Kune rumwe rutivi, ndakanzwa nyaya dzakawanda dzevanasikana vakakwanisa kusarudza kusanyarara, asi kudzivirira zvido zvavo. Vamwe vakaparadzana nemhuri dzavo, vamwe vanoramba vachionana, asi musazengurira kunongedzera zvakananga kuvabereki vavo pamusoro pemufambiro wavo usina kufanira.

Vamwe vakasarudza kuve "zuva" ivo pachavo uye kupa kudziya kune mamwe "mapuraneti system". Vakashanda nesimba pavari kuti vanzwisise zvizere uye vaone zvakaitika kwavari muhuduku, uye vakavaka hupenyu hwavo - nedenderedzwa reshamwari nemhuri yavo. Izvi hazvirevi kuti havana maronda emweya, asi vose vane chinhu chimwe chete: kwavari zvakakosha kwete izvo munhu anoita, asi zvaari.

Ndinoidaidza kuti budiriro.