Zero manzwiro, kusava nehanya, kushaya zvekuita. Kujairirwa nyika? Dzimwe nguva rinotaura nezvekusava nehanya kwakakwana, uye dzimwe nguva kuti tinodzvinyirira zviitiko zvedu kana kusaziva kuti tingazviziva sei.
"Uye iwe unofunga kuti ndinofanira kunzwa sei?" — nemubvunzo uyu, shamwari yangu Lina ane makore 37 okuberekwa akapedza nyaya yekupopotedzana kwaakaita nemurume wake paakamupomera hupenzi uye nungo. Ndakafunga nezvazvo (shoko rokuti “zvinofanira” harienderani zvakanaka nemanzwire) ndokunyatsobvunza kuti: “Unonzwei?” Yakasvika shamwari yangu kufunga. Pashure pokuzorora, akati mukushamisika: “Zvinoita sezvisina maturo. Ndizvo zvinoitika kwauri here?"
Chokwadi zvinoita! Asi kwete kana tanetsana nemurume wangu. Zvandinonzwa panguva dzakadaro, ndinoziva zvechokwadi: kutsamwa uye kutsamwa. Uye dzimwe nguva kutya, nokuti ndinofungidzira kuti hatizokwanisi kuita rugare, uye ipapo tichafanira kuparadzana, uye pfungwa iyi inondityisa. Asi ndinoyeuka zvikuru kuti pandakashanda paterevhizheni uye mukuru wangu akandipopotera nenzwi guru, hapana chandakanzwa zvachose. Just zero emotion. Ndaitodada nazvo. Kunyange zvazvo zvakaoma kudana kunzwa uku kunofadza.
"Hapana manzwiro zvachose? Hazviitike! akapikisa chiremba wepfungwa dzemhuri Elena Ulitova. Manzwiro ndiwo maitiro emuviri kune shanduko mumhoteredzo. Inobata zvose manzwiro emuviri, uye kuzvidzora, uye kunzwisisa kwemamiriro acho ezvinhu. Murume akatsamwa kana bhosi ishanduko yakakosha munharaunda, haigone kuenda isingaonekwi. Saka sei manzwiro asingamuki? “Tinorasikirwa nokunzwa kwedu, uye naizvozvo kunoratidzika kwatiri kuti hakuna mirangariro,” nyanzvi yendangariro inotsanangura kudaro.
Tinorasikirwa nekubatana nemanzwiro edu, uye naizvozvo zvinoratidzika kwatiri kuti hapana manzwiro.
Saka isu hapana chatiri kunzwa? "Hazvina kudaro," Elena Ulitova anondiruramisa zvakare. Isu tinonzwa chimwe chinhu uye tinogona kuchinzwisisa nekutevera maitiro emuviri wedu. Kufema kwako kwawedzera here? Huma yazara dikita? Manga muine misodzi mumaziso enyu here? Maoko akaputirwa kuita zvibhakera kana makumbo kuita chiveve? Muviri wako uri kuchema, "Njodzi!" Asi iwe haupfuure chiratidzo ichi mukuziva, uko chinogona kuwiriraniswa nezvakaitika kare uye kunzi mazwi. Naizvozvo, kuzviisa pasi, iwe unosangana nemamiriro ezvinhu aya akaomarara, apo maitiro akaitika anosangana nechipingamupinyi munzira yekuziva kwavo, sekushaikwa kwekunzwa. Nei izvi zviri kuitika?
Kunyanya kuwandisa
Zvimwe zvakaoma zvikuru kuti munhu ane hanya nokunzwa kwake atsike “Handidi”? "Zviripachena, manzwiro haafanire kunge ari iwo chete hwaro hwekuita sarudzo," anotsanangura aripo aripo psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Asi munguva dzakaoma, vabereki pavanenge vasina nguva yokuteerera manzwiro avo, vana vanowana mashoko akavanzika: “Iyi inyaya ine ngozi, inogona kukanganisa upenyu hwedu.”
Chimwe chezvikonzero zvekusanzwa kushaikwa kwekudzidziswa. Kunzwisisa manzwiro ako unyanzvi husingazombogadziriswi.
"Nokuda kweizvi, mwana anoda kutsigirwa nevabereki vake," akadaro Svetlana Krivtsova, "asi kana akagamuchira chiratidzo kubva kwavari kuti manzwiro ake haana kukosha, havasarudze chero chinhu, havafungidzirwe, ipapo iye. anorega kunzwa, ndiko kuti, anorega kuziva manzwiro ake.”
Chokwadika, vanhu vakuru havaiti izvi noutsinye: “Ichi ndicho chiziviso chenhau yedu: kwenguva yose, nzanga yaitungamirirwa nenheyo yokuti “kusafutisa, kudai ndaiva mupenyu.” Mumamiriro ezvinhu apo iwe unofanirwa kurarama, manzwiro ndeyeumbozha. Kana tichinzwa, tingave tisingakwanisi, tisingaiti zvatinofanira kuita.”
Vakomana vanowanzorambidzwa kubva kune zvose zvinosanganiswa nekushaya simba: kusuruvara, kutsamwa, kuneta, kutya.
Kushaikwa kwenguva uye simba revabereki kunotungamirira kune chokwadi chokuti isu tinotora nhaka iyi inoshamisa kusanzwa. “Mimwe mienzaniso inotadza kutevedzera,” murapi anodemba. "Patinongotanga kuzorora zvishoma, dambudziko, kutadza, uye kutya zvakare kunotimanikidza kuti tiungane uye kutepfenyura modhi ye" ita zvaunofanira" seyo yega chaiyo."
Kunyange mubvunzo uri nyore: "Unoda pie here?" kune vamwe manzwiro ekusava nematuro: "Handizivi." Ndicho chikonzero nei zvakakosha kuti vabereki vabvunze mibvunzo («Inonaka kwauri here?») uye tsanangura nokutendeseka zviri kuitika kumwana («Iwe une fivha», «Ndinofunga kuti unotya», «Iwe ungada izvi») uye nevamwe. (“Baba vanotsamwa”).
Duramazwi Oddities
Vabereki vanovaka hwaro hwemazwi ayo, nekufamba kwenguva, anozobvumira vana kutsanangura nekunzwisisa zvavakasangana nazvo. Gare gare, vana vanozoenzanisa zvavakasangana nazvo nenyaya dzevamwe vanhu, nezvavanoona mumafirimu uye nekuverenga mumabhuku… Kune mazwi anorambidzwa muduramazwi redu ratakagara nhaka ari nani kusashandisa. Aya ndiwo mashandiro anoita chirongwa chemhuri: zvimwe zviitiko zvinotenderwa, zvimwe hazvitenderwe.
“Mhuri imwe neimwe ine zvirongwa zvayo,” anoenderera mberi Elena Ulitova, “dzinogonawo kusiyana zvichienderana nokuti mwana ndeipi. Vakomana vanowanzorambidzwa zvose zvinosanganiswa nekushaya simba: kusuruvara, kutsamwa, kuneta, unyoro, tsitsi, kutya. Asi kutsamwa, mufaro, kunyanya mufaro wekukunda zvinotenderwa. Muvasikana, zvinowanzoitika neimwe nzira – chigumbu chinobvumirwa, hasha dzinorambidzwa.”
Mukuwedzera kune zvinorambidzwa, kunewo zvinyorwa: vasikana vanorayirwa kushivirira. Uye vanorambidza, maererano, kunyunyuta, kutaura nezvekurwadziwa kwavo. “Ambuya vangu vakafarira kudzokorora, kuti: “Mwari akatsungirira ndokutirayira,” anoyeuka kudaro Olga ane makore 50 okukura. - Uye amai vakazvikudza vakataura kuti panguva yekuzvarwa "haana kuita ruzha." Pandakasununguka mwanakomana wangu wekutanga, ndakaedza kusaridza mhere, asi handina kubudirira, uye ndakanyara kuti handina kusangana ne "set bar".
Dana nemazita avo
Nekufananidza nenzira yekufunga, mumwe nemumwe wedu ane yake "nzira yekunzwa" yakabatana neyekutenda system. “Ndine kodzero yokunzwa mamwe manzwiro, asi kwete kune mamwe, kana kuti ndine kodzero chete mumamiriro ezvinhu akati,” anotsanangura kudaro Elena Ulitova. — Somuenzaniso, unogona kutsamwira mwana kana ane mhosva. Uye kana ndichidavira kuti haana mhaka, hasha dzangu dzinogona kumanikidzirwa kubuda kana kuti kuchinja nzira. Inogona kunanga kwauri: "Ndiri amai vakaipa!" Vanaamai vese vakafanana naamai, asi ini handigoni kunyaradza mwana wangu.
Hasha dzinogona kuvanda seri kwechigumbu - munhu wese ane vanawo zvavo, asi ini ndakawana uyu, kupopota nekupopota. "Mugadziri wekuongorora kwekutengeserana, Eric Berne, aidavira kuti kugumbuka kwakanga kusipo zvachose," anoyeuka kudaro Elena Ulitova. - Iyi i "racket" kunzwa; tinoda kuti tishandise kumanikidza vamwe kuita zvatinoda. Ndagumbuka, saka unofanira kunzwa uine mhosva uye neimwe nzira ugadzirise.”
Kana iwe uchigara uchidzvinyirira imwe manzwiro, saka vamwe vanopera simba, mimvuri yakarasika, hupenyu hwepfungwa hunova monotonous.
Hatigone chete kutsiva mamwe manzwiro nemamwe, asiwo kushandura huwandu hwezviitiko pamwero wekuwedzera-minus. “Rimwe zuva ndakaerekana ndaziva kuti ndakanga ndisingafari,” anobvuma kudaro Denis ane makore 22 okukura, “kwakanaya sinou, uye ndinofunga, kuti: “ Kuchava kusina kuchena, kuchava kusina kuchena. Zuva rakatanga kuwedzera, ndinofunga: "Kumirira kwenguva yakareba sei, kuti zvionekwe!"
"Mufananidzo wedu wemanzwiro" zvirokwazvo kazhinji unokwevera kune mufaro kana kusuwa. “Zvikonzero zvingava zvakasiyana, kusanganisira kushaikwa kwemavhitamini kana kuti ma<em>hormone,” anodaro Elena Ulitova, “asi kazhinji chirwere ichi chinoitika pamusana pokurerwa. Ipapo, pashure pokuziva mugariro wacho, nhano inotevera ndeyokuzvipa umene mvumo yokunzwa.
Hazvisi zvekuva nemamwe "akanaka" manzwiro. Kukwanisa kunzwa kusuruvara kunokosha sezvakangoita kukwanisa kufara. Ndezvekuwedzera kuwanda kwezviitiko. Ipapo isu hatifanirwe kugadzira «pseudonyms», uye isu tichakwanisa kudaidza manzwiro nemazita avo chaiwo.
Kunyanya kusimba manzwiro
Zvingave zvakaipa kufunga kuti kugona "kudzima" manzwiro anogara achimuka sekukanganisa, kukanganisa. Dzimwe nguva anotibatsira. Panguva yenjodzi yekufa, vazhinji vanonzwa chiveve, kusvika pakunyepedzera kuti "ini handisi pano" kana "zvese zviri kuitika kwete kwandiri." Vamwe "havanzwi chinhu" pakarepo mushure mekurasikirwa, vakasara voga mushure mekuparadzana kana kufa kwemudiwa.
"Pano hakusi kunzwa kwakadaro kunorambidzwa, asi kusimba kwekunzwa uku," anotsanangura kudaro Elena Ulitova. "Chiitiko chakasimba chinokonzera kufara kwakasimba, uko kunosanganisira kudzivirira kudzivirira." Aya ndiwo mashandiro anoita maitiro ekusaziva basa: izvo zvisingatsungirike zvinodzvinyirirwa. Nokufamba kwenguva, mamiriro acho achava mashoma, uye kunzwa kunotanga kuzviratidza.
Iyo nzira yekubvisa kubva pamanzwiro inopiwa kune mamiriro ekukurumidzira, haina kugadzirirwa kushandiswa kwenguva refu.
Tingatya kuti kumwe kunzwa kwakasimba kuchatikurira kana tikairega ichibuda uye hatizokwanisi kutsungirira. “Ndakapwanya chigaro nehasha uye zvino ndine chokwadi chekuti ndinogona kukuvadza munhu wandakatsamwira. Nokudaro, ndinoedza kuzvidzora uye kusaratidza kutsamwa, "anobvuma Andrei ane makore 32.
“Ndine mutemo: usapinda murudo,” anodaro Maria ane makore 42 okukura. “Pane imwe nguva ndakadanana nomurume ndisingayeuki, uye iye, chokwadi, akaputsa mwoyo wangu. Naizvozvo, ndinodzivisa kushamwaridzana uye ndinofara.” Zvichida hazvina kuipa kana tikasiya manzwiro asingatsungiririki nokuda kwedu?
Sei kunzwa
Iyo nzira yekubvisa kubva pamanzwiro inopiwa kune mamiriro ekukurumidzira, haina kugadzirirwa kushandiswa kwenguva refu. Kana tikagara tichidzvinyirira manzwiro mamwe, saka vamwe vanopera simba, mimvuri yakarasika, hupenyu hwepfungwa hunova hunyoro. “Manzwiro anopupurira kuti tiri vapenyu,” anodaro Svetlana Krivtsova. - Pasina ivo zvakaoma kuita sarudzo, kunzwisisa manzwiro evamwe vanhu, zvinoreva kuti zvakaoma kutaura. Hongu, uye chiitiko chekusava nemanzwiro pachako pachako chinorwadza. Naizvozvo, zviri nani kuti utangezve kuonana ne "kurasika" manzwiro nekukurumidza.
Saka mubvunzo "Ndinofanira kunzwa sei?" zviri nani pane zviri nyore "ini hapana chandinonzwa." Uye, zvinoshamisa, kune mhinduro kwairi - "kusuwa, kutya, kutsamwa kana mufaro." Nyanzvi dzepfungwa dzinokakavara pamusoro pekuti vangani "manzwiro ekutanga" atinawo. Vamwe vanosanganisira mune iyi runyorwa, semuenzaniso, kuzviremekedza, kunoonekwa sekuzvarwa. Asi munhu wose anobvumirana nezvina zvambotaurwa: aya manzwiro agara ari matiri nemasikirwo.
Saka ini ndichakurudzira kuti Lina awirirane mamiriro ake neimwe yemanzwiro ekutanga. Chimwe chinhu chinondiudza kuti haazosarudze kusuwa kana mufaro. Semunyaya yangu nasabhuku, ini zvino ndinogona kubvuma kwandiri kuti ndakanzwa hasha panguva imwe chete sekutya kwakasimba kwaidzivirira kutsamwa kuratidzwa.